I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
