nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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