My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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