i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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