Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Who died my cat blue again?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
