I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
