Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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