I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
