I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
