I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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