I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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