I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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