you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
