I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
