hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
