Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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