There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
