Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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