I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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