I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
