Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
