talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
