im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
