my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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