Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
