Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
