Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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