HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
birth control should be required to get into college
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
