if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
