I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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