i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
