I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
