why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
