Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
