She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
