Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
