sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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