well I can't set my house on fire every night
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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