so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
