I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
