I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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