there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
