He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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