Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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