Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My bed smells like the plague
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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