Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
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as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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