alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
