When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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