My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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