Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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