he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
