see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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