In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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