He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
