I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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