Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
