Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
