i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
