Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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